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A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’ (i.e., “Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture to you.’
‘scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!’
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile a $20 bill would fall out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”
“Not so fast,” said the cop. ” Where did you get all that money, you didn’t steal it did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really upset me because it kills the flowers. Then, I thought, why not make the best of it? So now I stand behind the fence, next to the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence, I surprise him. I grab hold of it, and say, ‘Okay, buddy! Give me $20 or I’ll cut it off.”
“Well, that seems fair,” said the cop, laughing. “Okay, you can go . . . Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
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I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,
“That’ll be us in another 10 years.”
He said, “That’s a mirror, you Idiot ! “
31/072013
The Italian Wedding Test
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. she couldn’t overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said.
“if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.I stood there for a moment..
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, ‘Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..’
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
01/082013
Taking the Medicine
I recently spent $3500 on a young Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.
I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that’s possible with a bull.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy,
but possibly a little young and inexperienced, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Jeeezus! The bull started to service the cows within two days…. All of my cows, even the steers are scared!
He broke through the barbed wire fence and bred all my neighbor’s cows!
He’s been breeding just about everything in sight, even tried the tractor!
He’s like a machine! I don’t know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him,
but they have a peppermint taste with a touch of licorice.
02/082013
Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’
St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God’s first name?’
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think thequestions over, tell me your answers.’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy….That would be Today and Tomorrow.’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer..
How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.
‘How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve?Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve secondsin a year?’
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ‘
‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied,
‘it’s Andy.’
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
‘Run, Forrest, Run.
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